so

I don't know how I feel about this







But you care, don't you

We're doing good,
We're doing so damn good.
Boy have I missed you, never would I of thought
That what happened was good


We're doing good

the sounds of the students
they overwhelme me.
Why don't I long to participate,
why.

what?

what is this?
Why have you contacted me, what exactly does this mean.
At first I thought you missed me, perhaps you wanted to give it a go.
But a stubborn guy like you, well how is this possible.
Then you mentioned my drunken rambles and how you'd had a lady friend over.
Well i'm sorry for your friends confusion.

If you contacted me to let me know you were over it,
then good. that sounds good.
I will not argue with it,
though I want you back, a considerable amount,
what I want is an answer.

Why mention a possible hangout between you and I?
what does this mean?
I am confused, tired, grumpy,
I am just confused.

take me out tonight...

I miss you and will always continue to miss you, regardless.
I sit hear in this bed at 5 am typing away at my blackberry as morrissey persists in singing.
And I sleep next to charlie and carress him but he isn't the cuddler pup
He could never be the cuddler pup.
This puppy welcomes affection from everyone and anyone,
He is not selective with whom he wishes to lay his head against,
Or who may pet him to sleep,
He is not like little moz.
I like to believe that like his papa, moz is quite selective with whom he opens up to
But who is to say that this is the case?
No amount of affection from any boy or man can give me what I wanted and had,
Him.
No late night goodbyes leave me with a satisfying smile and a light heart,
Oh but is this the case with you?
I've done mistakes I've done wrong, now please let me out of my corner,
I want to come out of timeout.
I yearn for your soft gaze more then anything,
The impression you left is oh so deep,
With you I let myself be vulnerable, but I only ever completely became vulnerable in june.
It was alittle to late but I wish your stubborn heart would let that go,
I don't see it being possible. You were not the same person I believed,
Unfortunately I, I was. I never lied, I held back and made a mistake.
And now anger runs through me,
How you could let this get away,
Love is not a game dear boy.


Oh boy.

I hate his double chin,
his big jew nose,
how he always looks unimpressed,
his stone exterior and his sweet interior,
the way he moans when he's tired
and the way he smirks when he smiles.

I hate this song.

...
Who am I to speak my mind to now?
I felt this comfort with him because he had a smart way of thinking.
He cared to speak of feelings and thoughts and cared to give his two cents.
He was quite mulipulative, and this was supported by many actions.
But I am young, and do not mind, for his formulated opinions made sense to me.

He is gone now.
He believes I've done him bad. I haven't always done right. That I will admit.
I have done things that could have been avoided. I didn't need to feed my curiosity, but I did. Never though, shall I ever say I did him wrong. I believed in him more then anything which is where I went wrong. I did, let myself fall for him. I didn't and do not see why I shouldn't have. I believed and respected him.
Two of the most important things in the world.
So as I said, yes I let myself fall, and I did not hold back, he'd told me not to, and I did not.

Here is where I try to explain my actions or mind and (undoubtlessy) fail.
I do not think with my private parts. It may seem as though I do, but I do not.
I never have and never will. When I conjugate I do not think about myself, ever, I never try to get sexual pleasure out of it. This is very evident, and can assuredly be confirmed with people who have experienced sex with me.
I am selfless, I give.
When I laid with him, I gave him everything, and what really interested me, what really gave me satisfaction were his every words, expressions, and gestures. It was the way he looked towards the ceiling, his look of rapture, the way he clasped my sides.I was infatuated with his everything.

I am young though, and I do have a tendency to do imprudent things.
I can not explain why I had such interest in these stupid manners but I did
What I did purely wholly out of curiosity. I hate to say it, because I think it is ridiculous and if I were to hear someone else say it, it would probably sicken me.
But that is truely my only explanation. there was no infatuation in this, there wasn't a slight inclination, it was just a try, I didn't believe anything would come of it.

Evidently, my views have changed. The idea that I did something like that out of, well, boredom makes me feel incredibly senseless.

The point is, I am not insensitive. I was never given too much credit. He believed me to be a little juvenile and he was right, but, never had I faked being caring or senseless. I am considerate in every sense of the word. This may not seem to make much sense. I understand that. But I understand that we do not always understand our own actions, let alone those of others. I also understand that people are prone to make mistakes.

Have I made a mistake? yes. But have I ignored this and decided to continue my life as I always have? no. I know what I did should not have been done, whether I didn't care or not. Whether I was with the man I cared for or not.

I can't change anyone elses opinions and I don't want to. I can understand how he feels, but unfortunately only I can understand my actions. I would never want to beg for mercy and try getting back what was there. (Still, It would be a lie to say that I never contacted him and clusmily let him know how much I cared few nights that involved alcohol.) I simply want it to be known that I always have and will respect him and that never for a second did I not adore that man.

god god god god

I am freaking out
freaking out
freaking ou
freaking o
freakin
freaki
frea
fre
fr
f
fr
fre
frea
freak
freaki
freakin
freaking
freaking o
freaking out
freaking out!
can you hear me?
can you feel me?
could you possibly feel this?
my heart, my lungs, my head
they will all collapse
they will all collapse until this makes sense.
is this karma?
k a r m a?
is this karma bein a bitch, because 'Karma's a bitch?'
or am I paranoid.
I know i'm paranoid, as hell.
my lungs
they will collapse
my heart
my dear heart...
and my brain,
it is running in circles.
it is saying how
how how how
how can you?
what did I do?
how can I?
what can I do?
what could you do?
what do you do?
what what what

oh god oh god oh god

If blue eyes could kill
thank god they can not

I would be in a grave right now.

I...I don't want to lose you.
you've become a part of my life.
I don't care what you say
it can't end like this
I don't care
it can't

I...I can't bear not having you,
even to talk to just sometimes.
to not smile at you when I see you
breaks my heart

oh shes still too young
she couldnt seriously be the one
it's nothing personal
but the age...
the age isnt right
the age just isnt right
no the age isnt right
it just isnt.

oh shes still to young to feel my love
she couldn't get it,
she'll just get hurt
no she's still to young
that age...

oh but im still too young,
to feel his touch
to know what he needs or what I want
no, i must let go of this jealousy
of this vulnerability he's instilled in me
but why...why has he done this?
if he had known than why?
I guess i'm too young to know
oh it's my age...
my age

delicate

So many say that they want me now
But if they only knew what ive done
If they knew all the damaged I caused
Well then they would surely run.
They'd surely say
well you aren't that great
and i'd have to except it
and except my fate
And the one that I want
will he soon leave too?
For I'm trying to change my ways
but I've been a fool
Everytime I start to doubt
this stupidity it comes out
and when I realize what's been done
I try to sweep it up
or I try to run
if only my heart didn't worry like this
I didn't feel it in my head, my legs, my wrists
If only I could take it as it is
if I keep this up, I'll never be his

fuck

you can go fuck yourself.
I hate when you act like this, even if it's unintentional and doesn't mean anything.


Which it probably doesn't.
but I still hate it.

I don't mind unconditional love,
I love to give it
and I don't mind if I'm not getting the same in return
but I do need to be acknowledged,
and I won't stand around and wait to please.
I have a serious amount to offer, and I know it.

so I'll say cool a whole bunch
but one day I just won't reply

this is what makes me do things I feel I'll regret in the futur
but don't give a fuck about right now.

I just feel like ranting today.

I just feel like ranting today.

I can't seem to articulate the things I mean,
and yet I seem to say everything I shouldn't.
I guess I'm always just saying what's really on my mind, and that frightens people.
I guess people have found a way to cover up some of the things they say, change the words around to make it sound prettier.
My head isn't too good at that.
It says what it wants and what it believes it should.
fifty percent of the time my mouth is kept shut anyhow,
I don't really believe in talking to most of the people I know, I don't know many people I'd actually want to have a conversation with.
I guess I really like to speak with people who have something to say and who intrigue me.
I also need to respect them.
I don't think anyone can intimidate me unless I respect them,
mostly I just seem shy but I'm really uninterested.
I feel like so much more can be said through the body (and it's easier for me).
The eyes, the lips the hands...
than again there aren't many people I'd want to touch, on that level.
I'm not a fan of holding hands, especially if feelings aren't involved.
I feel like it's all a lie, or a cover-up, to make things seem more ok.
Who are we kidding.
I never liked being vulnerable, I never let myself be vulnerable, the possibility of getting hurt or embarassed always scared me.
I've realized there is nothing strong about being invulnerable,
You'll never learn anything.
Actions have consequences, You don't learn if you don't do.
Thankyou, I guess.

and

and though i should feel relieved,
For the feeling of regret has begun in me.
eyes that sting from a few tears,
still reveal what I'd most feared.
that the day has caught up
that id realize my actions were fucked up.
And yet you are no help, even if you were there
because you're telling me what im aware
that you cant tell if im good or bad
for the actions I posed were terribly sad.
But i'd posed those actions for you...
so atleast pretend to think that im true

being completely bipolar.

I'm well aware I won't be the last person to kiss your lips or cook you dinner.
Or touch your hand, or wake up next to you.
Any of that.

That's the only reason I'm not being vulnerable really. Because I know there was a past and will be a futur and that I will end up somewhere in the middle.
I don't like that idea, I don't want to be the one in the middle.

Why is it that we assume the best way not to get hurt, is to seem indifferent. In the end don't we know we are only playing ourselves?
For if the thought of getting hurt comes to mind, it is already set that some sort of our vulnerability has come out.

The only person I truely want is him, for many reasons. Many reasons indeed. Be it the touch of his skin, which is surprisingly soft, or his cold gaze that keeps me wondering, or the feel of his kiss that depicts anything but coldness